IN CASE YOU DON’T LIVE FOREVER

Inspired by Ben Platts Song

And then there was light. Simple, soft — like a feather.

“Hey Queen of Spook. Wake up. Two holy glorious days until the charity ball. What's not to like?”

It's Charlie, my best friend and stupid idiot of the entire small town we live in. He is a good kind of idiot. The one that you want to keep close because life is less full without him. He is the whole spectrum of a rainbow.

“Spectacular performance, Charles”, I answer him, still sleepy and annoyed by the fact that we have to get up for uni. It's the only university in town we have to offer but at least it provides good courses. My grey eyes go to the red head next to me. It looks like his freckles are dancing on his cheeks. Beautiful, surrounded by his positive smile.

“Jillian and Keisha are coming in half an hour. Make it happen. Move, Delilah”, Charlie says and even though he doesn't look as strong, he pulls me out of the bed. Now I am really annoyed. Routine is something that was never meant for me.

Half an hour later we are all in Keisha's car. Her curly ginger hair and the red lipstick match the orange seats and red colour of her car. No one else would pick a more ridiculous match for a machine. Jill on the other site looks pale like a ghost, wavy platinum blonde hair and freckles on her cheek like Charlie. Together we are an odd bunch. I am the one that never wears colour. The brightest I go is a navy blue.

“Have you picked your costumes yet?”, Jill's question takes my thoughts away.
“Bonny and Clyde. Delilah is going to be my Clyde”, Charlie says with a voice that sounds like he has never been prouder of anything else. Keisha lets out an excited noise.
“Jill is going for Bowie”, Keisha says
“Uff, in that hot blue suit!?”, Charlie says and gives me a wiggle with his eyebrows. He has no modesty. He knows that I like Jill more than a friend but never had the guts to tell her.
“Yeah and Keisha is doing Elton John”, Jill adds and shortly after the car is filled with Still Standing by exact named music icon.

Two days later.

The day of the charity ball. The last 48 hours had been something between learning, videos games, making the costumes and me and Charlie discussing how I had to make a move on Jill, finally. According to him this ball was the perfect place. I had never felt more uncomfortable. I was honest in all other situations of my life. Not about my feelings. And not about one of my best friends.

Looking in the mirror the suit felt good. Charlie came out of my bathroom, also wearing a suit but much more feminine designed and wearing a bit of make up.
“I think it's unfair that you're the most straight guy I know but you make me conflicted about my own sexuality”, I said to him, yet showing a grin.
“I love you too, Delilah”, Charlie said and pulled me into a hug. A warm hug. That kind of hug that always made you feel better.
“It's so easy for you to say”, I let out quietly. And the moment I said it I wish I didn't.
“Easy? What do you mean?”, Charlie asks.
“Speaking about your feelings. The amount of I love you, you give away is insane.”

I step a bit away from him. And there it is: The adorable smile. The smile that started our friendship.
“You have too many what ifs in your head. The way I speak is just nonsense. I can get hurt any time. That might be brave but stupid as well. But every time I consider being quiet I think of the fact that one day I won't be able to speak any more. And do I want to leave this world with thoughts in my mind or outside in this world?”, Charlie asked me.

I just look at him after his little speech. In this life I will never find this kind of confidence that he has just shown me. But I also know that I don't have to. My confidence is different and that's why we are friends. We balance each other.

“Let's go to this stupid ball and have the night in a lifetime”, I say with a grin and hold out my hand. He takes it and together we are unstoppable.

The hours are filled with laughter, drinks and wild dances. Everyone looks amazing. The music fills my body with joy. My worries are just clouds, feathers in the air between the colourful lights that fill the hall. I am feeling free. The next song comes on and the air is filled with the sounds of Radio Gaga. I am stumbling but Charlie grabs my arm and laughs. He makes sure I am not falling. He always does. Queen fades and welcomes the Jail house Rock. The clouds that turned into feathers are now so little that they seem like stars. If happiness was capable to be caught it was in this very moment between all of these people but mostly my friends.

Hours later I am not able to walk clear but neither are Charlie, Jill or Keisha. Together we find our way to the cloakroom. Time to grab our stuff and leave.
“Oh man these light decorations are sick”, Keisha says while waiting for her jacket and points at the coloured light orbs. They are leading the way towards the entrance of the ball. Like a rainbow walk. My eyes focus on them. One of them is a bright orange. Another one yellow. And then there is a bright red. My view goes back to my friends. They all match.
“I am getting one of them”, I say and turn around.
“What? Delilah are you okay?”, Charlie asks. He reaches out to grab my hand. But I am faster, driven by my own thoughts and pressured by alcohol. My legs take me to the orbs and before I can realize what I am doing, I have the red orb in my hand. I run back to my friends. A mixture of laughter and giggling awaits me.
“Quick! Before someone sees you!”, Charlie says and takes my other free hand. Together we run outside, the light orb under my arm. Adrenalin runs through my body and it doesn't stop until we are outside. I look at him and he looks at me.

And then there was light. Simple, soft -- like a feather.

12 hours after the charity ball

Slowly Charlie opened his eyes. His head was hurting, feeling like the worst hangover he ever head. But it wasn't only his head. He generally felt drained. Sitting himself up he realized he wasn't in his bed. It was a hospital bed. What the hell?
His view went to the left. Keisha and Jill were on a sofa, sleeping. To his right sat his mother.
“Hey Hun. Easy. It's been twelve hours”, she said with a gentle voice. Charlie has no idea what has happened.
“Twelve hours since what?”, he asked but his mother went silent. Something was holding her back.
“Mum. Twelve hours since what?”
“You need to be very strong now okay?”
Charlie froze. The last time he had heard these words, his dad had died. Someone was dead. Someone not in this room. He could feel the tears coming up.
“It is Delilah. She didn't make it home after the party. You were both in the same cab. Your cab driver had an accident.”
Charlie looked at his mother. There were no words. Just the wave of the tsunami hitting him inside, breaking down his walls. Tears ran down his face. But he couldn't scream. There was only one thought on his mind.

Why her?

One week later, after Delilah's funeral.

Charlie took a deep breath. One week had passed since he had lost one of the most important people in his life. The first 48 hours had been the worst not only because he had spent them still in hospital. He had constantly asked himself why it had taken her. She had given her life already for anyone, mostly for his. At the end it didn't matter. Delilah was dead, gone forever. At least that's what he had thought until this day. Three hours after he said goodbye to her on her official grave he was standing in her room. Delilah's mother had offered him to come by and see if there was anything he wanted to keep before they would shut her room for a while to let the pain pass. Standing in the violet walls and black curtains had never felt so empty for him. Even though she had never worn any colourful clothes, she had been the colour herself. Charlie's view went over to her photo wall, seeing himself, Keisha, Jill and other people on there. Happy memories collected as a puzzle. Charlie walked over to her desk and sat down. He wouldn't go through her laptop, knowing he would get lost in videos, pictures and other things. There was something else that caught his interest. An open notebook. Charlie took it and flipped through the pages. And then he saw what it was. A book full of letters all addressed to him.

How could I not know about this?

His eyes widened and his heart was beating faster. Everyone had their secrets. But this was a beautiful one as it seemed. Delilah had written letters to him about their friendship and life. Starting with the first letter back when they had met. He started reading and shortly after got lost. Delilah had written down her thoughts, where Charlie had always spoken them out loud. He could feel tears again. How could she not be here any more? How was he supposed to keep going? Charlie flicked to another page and stopped. This time reading every word.

In case you don't live forever, Charlie
I want to let you know that people like you paint the real picture. With your honesty. The colours you bring into the world. The way you speak and see. Just everything.
I will never be that person and a part of me will always hate herself. I am writing you this letter, knowing you would be furious to see that I find time for writing rather than speaking. But one day we will depart in whatever way that might be and that will be the day this book will find you. You will see the real me, the inside and everything that ever bothered me. No one could understand me like you did. Around you, I had colours. Around you, I could laugh. Around you, I was gay and loved the idea of kissing girls. Everything around you was just good. That's why I am constantly afraid of losing you. Someone like you is too good to be true. Like a painting inside my head. And I hope that I never have to see the day when the colours fade. Which makes me selfish. But I want to die first. I want to be the one who walks away. People need you more than they need me. Like it or not, but everybody wants a piece of Charlie. Funny enough it is the black sheep who has the biggest piece of cake. As my best friend. My soulmate. The Bonny to my Clyde. I love you Charlie. And I hope you know that. Wherever I am while you are reading this. Thank you for being in my life. You have made my life worth living.

Charlie closed the book, wiping his last tears away. He needed time. To process, to heal and to be happy again. At this moment he knew that he had to keep on living.

A life for the both of them.

28.04.2020 - LC HAMILTON