Storyteller #1
It’s time to 28.
Welcome to the first storyteller, a blog series that is always going to be out on the 4th of every month and I dare myself to stig to that shit so here we go. Didn’t took me long to swear, but oh well what’s new scooby-doo.
I would like to tell you a fascinating story of how every birthday cycle and last day of a year is an absolute eye opening event of all the WOO and WOW I guess so called Bazinga moments of my life come together, but no it really is just another day, shedding another layer.
Right now I’m also sitting on a heating pillow, thanks to another muscle problem, kicking right down into my already existent nervous system problem. So as you can see this is a fantastic opener, but don’t get too bumped, too soon, I have actually some cool stuff to share.
The idea of this blog, is not only to hold myself accountable and write, but also to actually DO THE THANG and take you behind the scenes. You can keep all your snarky snobby attitudes towards grammar or society conform behaviour in this format, because I will not be giving a flying fudge about the shoulds (I guess as usual?)
There was a time in my late teens and early twenties when I thought 27 wouldn’t even come around. Yup pretty dark but true, I thought that if life hates me that much and my head fucks me over this much + the people that I thought were friends, actually turned out to be as problematic just like my own behaviours could only mean that I wouldn’t even make it to thirty.
This was also reflected to me by one of my martial arts teachers, after another anxiety attack in the middle of Finsbury Park, but the biggest sign from the universe that I needed back in 2021.
If you don’t keep looking after yourself, you ain’t gonna make it till 30.
It scared me to my blood and bone, despite the crayzness that Covid had brought to us, it was then when I realised that I had to drastically change and this time for real.
Martial Arts was just one of the very things that change my life. So essentially I’m going to talk about four things that kicked my life around for the better.
YOU HAVE TO MAKE THAT CHOICE FOR YOU, NO ONE FUCKING ELSE.
I know there is a lot of trigger talk around the matter when it comes to just changing your mind and believe me as someone that has swom in the soup of will I actually make it to 30 and much darker roots, I know what I’m talking about when it comes to the matter of transformation. But being a victim or having the mentality of such can be a comfort and feeling of home that gives you at least enough attention so that people look at you. Yup hard strong poison for some but a real thought of my back then different self in my early twenties. Who am I without my drama? Without these people I don’t like? Without my anxiety disorder? Without my depression and moodswings? Until I was able to face these questions and really wrestled in mudd with my demons, I had been the biggest people pleaser, shoved away my dreams and on top of that AVOIDER AT ALL COSTS. Five years later I have also the psychological foundation, mind of matter facts and understand the core roots and umbrella of mental health. Some cases are more complex than other, but the core always leads to the truth that we are avoiding to tell ourselves, when the lights go out, when no one is listening, when there is just silence and us. And that shit hurts. And I ain’t saying it’s easy, but I am saying you are responsible for your own life and choices and to chose life over suffering. However that looks for you - the part where you seek help, speak up, reach out and do the thing is totally up to you. I’m a strong believer of HEALING in all forms - what does healing mean to you? As someone who has worked with over 100 clients (paid and unpaid) in the last two years, I know for a fact that for some a coaching heals stronger than a therapy and vice versa. Music, Martial Arts, Regular Sports, Retreats — the field is wide. But it can only happen if you decide to live life FOR YOU and not AGAINST YOU.
THE RIGHT PERSON WILL SHOW THE EFFORT AND MAKE THE EFFORT. END OF STORY.
This counts for all sorts of relationships. Living in a big city has a big bonus of never beeing alone and at the same time feeling incredibly lonely. When I came to London I thought I knew who my people were for the rest of my life, but it turned out I was following patterns of my broken teenage self - no boundaries, biggest people pleaser and guess what? Barely even sassy. Yup believe it or not I used to be QUIET and SHY and almost THE GOOD GIRL. There is nothing against either of these attributes as long as you own them for yourself, but all this behavioir lead to being constantly nice and understandable. I said yes to people who were absolute assholes and said No to people who would have been good. Still today I am often questioning what I am really seeking in friendships and partnership(s), especially since I walked into my truth since roughly two years ago. Things have changed and by no means am I the person to hold up a torch of being BESTIE OF THE YEAR. I fuck up. I say stuff that comes out meaner than intended (and I am currently working on that part to strip myself of any drama-magnetism and open up to all sort of connections that are here for the deep shit, because ngl I have always been tired of Gossip Culture but there is a magnetism in me that always draws me to other peoples drama without being involved in it) Like imagine you have a membership with a trash paper like the BILD in Germany without having signed up, yet someone else is always throwing the paper on to your door step every Sunday. It sucks. But real-talk aside, what I did learn over the last years is that I am such a pro community person all around the world and I am damn proud to say that I could travel almost to every part of the world and could step into someones home by having build a strong network of amazing artists and people. But what I also learned over the last two years is that the real ones, never leave your side or at least not leave your side on bad terms. I had some painful friendship break ups during my early twenties, one that still haunts me today and sometimes makes me sad. But that is okay, because I do not freeze by melancholy, I invite her to be my comfort on days when I wonder what my multiverse self is up to on the different path of my lifetime.
JUST BECAUSE NO ONE HAS DONE IT BEFORE DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN’T
First person in my current alive family to move to a different country. First person to do a high class education and still being an on going student of online universities that soak up my time. First person in my family that stood on stage + worked in and around theatre. First person to come out as not so heteronormative as my grandmother would have liked me to be (sorry not sorry) and totally not giving any conforming label or gender fucks. First person to set up their own mentoring business and production company (all of this is very fresh, in business I’m barely a year with a galactic trial and error phase before and the I AM X just had their website release in May). First Podcaster of the family. Do you see where I am going with this? For a long time I thought I couldn’t do certain things, wouldn’t be able to do it or didn’t have enough ANYTHING - money, wisdom, circle etc etc you name it. When it came to my business start it was a horrible SHOULD GOOD LOOK ON PAPER trial where I learned from coaches that I would now not even say hello to (not out of grudges but simply because I don’t care anymore, potentially I will do a podcast episode on this, as this to me is healthy boundaries) I got into a loop of constant comparrison with others and more until I burned down, shut myself off social media 6 weeks and tried again. I let go off everything that didn’t serve me anymore and turned back to my roots. And e voila, now it seems to good to be true, I am fulltime in business again - yup there is other mini jobs I do to carry my stable income, but this essentially has nothing to do with being fulltime. Despite me not being one of those Mentors that talks you into going all in - it’s neither my niche nor my style, cause what all in looks like, is different to the individual. SOME OF US AREN’T BORN TO DO ONE JOB ONLY, GET THAT INTO YOUR HEAD, SUSAN. Short outrage, but truth spoken. I was always diggin to be a Jack of all Trades and made that dream come true by being an author, artist and mentor (and so much more, but ya know)
YOU ARE VALID
With the scares on your face, your body and self. Whether you are single, happily taken or in a tripple deluxe monogamous relationship. With or without a job. Being unemployed isn’t the end of the world. Whether you have children or not. Whether you have that trophy or not. Again guess what I am saying here? Another layer I’ve shed is STATUS - yup I don’t even read reviews, critiques and such and always make up my own mind, it’s a philosophy of mine (all started when I studied journalism and realised how mad the media world is) + I like to cultivate a healthy agree to disagree discussion. I want to dismantle more and more of my own black and white bullshit thinking and only sit with people at the table who are ready to have difficult conversations without scratching my eyes out. My anger is sacred after all. But not the topic. In a world where status is so OUT AND ABOUT I of course have my own moments of OMG I DID this or this milestone has happened (Performed in front of 100+ people up to 1000, 2000 Podcast listeners, won awards for my writing and more…) BUT they never change me or my core root, they just give me a way of celebration + exposure which I still want for my vision and mission. In a conversation with a friend I was asked what would happen if I get to be a bestseller one day and I said to her, I would use my stage to speak even louder about the problems and things we should tackle in this world. I can celebrate myself and still call out the bullshit, that sometimes should come with more radical and rapid change if some white-dinosaur (no gender given) wouldn’t stand in the way of change. But that is another story for another day.
It’s time to watch the rest of Queer Eye Season 7 and then do my last 27-Goodbye-Ritual.
Here is to 28 and all the things I’ve asked for.
LOVE HOPE REVOLT,
LO
