GOODBYE LONDON

Once Upon a Dream. I was just a village kid when I knew that I had to find you one day.

When I was 15 I met you for the first time and I cried when I had to leave you.

When I was 20 I decided to meet you on my own and see if we would really work it out.

You taught me acting, you brought me music, you set me free.

But shadows don’t leave just because you change the city.

Shadows walk with you and haunt you until you decide to walk among them.

So I went back.

But did I really leave?

No.

I left a piece of my soul with you. And even my nearest and dearest couldn’t hold me back.

I had to be with you.

So I moved.

I left you with a piece of my soul in a land that I will never call my own.

I regret nothing.

You made me do this.

But there was no time to look back, there was just summer 2018, bands, banter and bullshit.

Even if I wanted to, I would never be able to forget the summer that made me go It’s she/they and you can also call me Charles. It was a summer of music and expression - freedom.

But everything has it’s price. If only I would have known that it was my heart.

But nothing that magic can’t fix right?

Just when June hit and the letter of a place came that I would soon call home and my first job.

A place of magic and queerness and perhaps the only place where magic could have happened.

The beginning of the Revolution Series.

Perhaps that was the beginning of the end. Perhaps I should have known better. Perhaps I should have chosen books over boys.

But then would I have ever known what grief really meant?

Don’t missplace the tragedy. None of this made me stronger. It just made me more human.

And once I left the magical place there was chaos. Summoned and unfortunate. The world dying.

And with you the love that I had left.

How was I supposed to hold myself if you couldn’t hold me in the first place?

I had felt it the moment the world changed.

I don’t love you anymore.

And oh the bloody tears.

The stupid damn tears in my mothers garden.

Just let it be a phase please. Please don’t make me feel homeless, again. Please, I can’t take it anymore.

But I had to come back. Just for more tragedy to escape.

I just want this pain to stop - October 2020.

And a door opened I shouldn’t have closed in the first place.

A root among the gods and wicked wonders of earth.

But how can we fix us?

A change of scenery.

I fell in love again. But not with you. It’s the walls and the wonders I create inside.

It’s not you.

Why is it not you anymore?

You know the answer. You knew it the moment you walked away from me.

Because my heart beats elsewhere now. But where is else?

I don’t know.

You do.

It’s not fair.

I was yours. But you were never mine.

I am sorry.

Truth Connects where Art resonates. And Art was never meant to be nice, it was meant to make you feel something.

Thank you London, for the last seven years and the journey you and I have been through. May the end of the journey hold more memories and may the road carry me to elsewhere.